perspective

So today I go to work with only this on my mind. I'm excited to talk about it with friends, to celebrate together, to be proud together. To talk to my kids about it. And most of the day did go like that. Before the first bell, my kids from last year were all over the place, making sure I knew. So concerned that I not miss the news. It was so sweet. And I'm so excited that my kids CARE! In each of my three classes we discussed the president-elect, I played the last 5 minutes of his speech for them and told each class how proud I was to be able to say with complete honesty for the first time ever that it was finally true. ANY one of the kids sitting in that room could one day be president. There are no more barriers to anyone who works hard and earns themselves a spot.
Oh, did I mention that the psycho mom is in the room to watch her daughter present her report? Yeah. So after five other kids go, the daughter goes, then the mom takes her and they leave. After class, we're outside and my principal comes out and says, "What did you do?" I was, I swear to heaven, clueless. "NO! What the fuck was her problem??!?!??!?" She doesn't want her daughter in my class anymore. She took her daughter AND her sixth grade son and fled the premises. Apparently she busted into my principal's office, started screaming about how biased I am because I didn't play any of McCain's speech for the kids, and my principal finally got fed up and told her, politely, she was off her nut and she needed to leave me alone. The chick wigged out and took her kids and left. Seriously, to the extent he isn't certain they'll be back. This woman is UNHINGED! It's good to know it's totally her problem and not mine though. I know all along we never think it's us...but then, she doesn't think it's her, so maybe it was me. But I think today proved pretty definitively that it ain't me. So that's good.
I went to pick up my girl and when I get there she is eating a big old milkshake at 5:00 PM. Outside of the whole brainwashing for jesus thing, my only problem with this joint is how they have junk food all the time. Ok, not all the time, but some of the time. And some of the time is too much of the time for me. Anyway...so we're driving home and we talk about dinner and I mention that when she chooses to eat a treat at dinnertime it's her responsibility to eat a good dinner still because...blah blah blah you know the spiel. So she says, "I know mom. But the only choices were homework, and why would I do homework if I don't have any? Whittling, that's too sharp for me (that's another post, funny story. But it was only a choice for 3rd grade and up is what she meant), guns...and we don't choose guns, or the Mississippi Lake (ok, it's River, and it was an activity to fit into their whole theme about traveling across America with the Muddy Mighty Mississippi but it was still a huge cup of ice cream at dinnertime!)" So it got me thinking. She is swamped in all these rules she's trying to negotiate, and she found herself kinda between a rock and a hard place. She KNEW I wouldn't like her to do it, but she didn't feel she could go against the rules at the daycare either. Since one side offered ice cream, that's the side she came down on. It's like a while ago, they decorated these huge sugar cookies and she wanted to eat it in the car. I was all, "Of course not!" and she said, "But they said I could eat it at snack and I didn't because I didn't know if you wanted me to and I really wanted to!" It just made me want to cry. She sees kids all around her all day long, in some cases with adult encouragement, making choices she doesn't think should be made. And for my rules girl, this is so bewildering. She literally does not understand why people don't follow the rules. It throws her all too sea. She is completely off kilter. Of course I'm not saying she does everything perfectly every time. She's five for crying out loud. What I'm saying is that she is very, no really, VERY quick to recognize the wrong choice in others. I feel so bad for her in this world she doesn't have a handle on yet. She gets grenaded for no reason, in her mind. Kinda like with my psycho. I don't understand the rules. When I get penalized, I don't know why! Ok, I'm babbling, but I just was thinking how hard it has been for her, and how I want her to be ok. I guess I'm willing to trade a suck ass kindergarten year for a real shot at a future in a country she can be proud of though.

Happy Halloween!

Happy because honestly, there is no other way to describe how my kid felt on Friday. I was able to schedule the morning with no conferences so I could be at her Harvest Party in the morning, she called it doing parent hours. We got dressed up, the best part of which was putting her in the bathtub naked and spraying her hair bright pink. Her traditional trick or treat partners met up with us and we hit around in their neighborhood, made an impressive haul even though Trueby wouldn't go to any of the houses that had dogs. Finally we headed over to meet up with her two best friends in the world to terrorize the joint. While the adults visited and ate, the girls ran screaming through the house for no apparent reason other than they are little girls who love being together. I adored watching her have so much fun, be so at home, feel so comfortable. Literally, she stripped to t-shirt and tights as soon as we got there, and her buddy made it down to only panties! Those two girls are family to her, they've been part of her life every day for as long as she can remember. Luckily, all three moms are a little photo manic, so it's all well documented.
So my friend inspired me to create a new scrapbook this month. I'm going to document one thing I am grateful for every day of November. I'll put some of them here, keep an eye out. While a great time on Halloween doesn't count, since it was October, I am so incredibly grateful my girl has friends like these!

double update

So, one week to the day, tooth number two is out. And apparently I have overdone the picture taking. When the camera came out, she squealed "Pillow wall!" and tried to hide completely from the shot. When the flash went off she yelped, "Did she get me?!" Sorry little monkey. But I'm gonna get a picture. Might as well let me do it and get it over with.

Also, remember the psycho on Thursday? So Friday morning she comes in, and as my stomach drops to my feet, says, "I just want you to know how glad we are my daughter gets to have you for her teacher this year." I'm now the best teacher ever, her ex-husband was the one who was upset, and she wants us to be best friends and braid each other's hair. Seriously, I'm terrified of this loony toon. Tomorrow she may want to wear my skin!!

Thank you so so so much to everyone who sympathized with me over that ugly situation. It's lovely to hear supportive, kind words about something like that. Even though I know all they said is untrue, it's still nice to hear people besides me say that can't be true!

twitch

Dammit, I think I'm giving my kid an ulcer. Or she's getting an ulcer and I'm exacerbating it. Something is up. Today we had this whole go round and the upshot is I don't know if she feels like she's doing something wrong by not being happy at school. I know she loves her daycare, hell, jeebus is there, what's not to love? She is totally acting like she feels guilty about being unhappy. Or I am totally reading into nothing. This is another of those mind fucks where I'm totally panicked that I'm going to blow it off and it'll end up putting her atop a book depository, or I'll completely overreact...and end up putting her atop a book depository. Either way, you see my problem. Or you don't, and that's exactly my point.

a milestone!

So the big news this weekend was supposed to be the trip to the pumpkin patch with the two best buds. But deep in the corn maze, Trueby wrestled free an ear of corn and sealed the fate of her first lost tooth! Check that gap! It's a terrible/great story. She was trying some raw corn and got dirt in her mouth. She kept trying to pull it out with her fingers and was gagging herself. Literally, to the point of "throw-upping." I was laughing so hard as she was puking all over Everson and just kept jamming her fingers in her throat. Then she grabbed something out of her mouth and tossed it on the ground. I go, "Dude! That was your tooth!" I had to search all over the cornstalks and found the filthy, bloody, pukey bone shard and actually picked it up. That is how you know you're mom, in case you ever find yourself wondering. She was thrilled at first, then one of her buddies shrieked, "There's blood!" and True lost it. "I don't like it! I don't like it!" She kept making this totally horrified face every time her tongue found the hole. She was crying and couldn't talk, all this in the middle of the corn maze, mind you. I asked, "Does it hurt?" and she sobs, "I-I'm r-r-really freaked out!" Man, this chick does not handle change! We got her rinsed and spat, wound our way out of the maze, paid for our gourd and on the way back from putting it in the car, she finally says, "I feel better now." I asked if she wanted to tell her friends what is was like to lose a tooth and she says, "I think they know." Like, "Duh, I made it pretty obvious I didn't care for it." Last night we had to write a note to the tooth fairy to please not take the tooth, True wants to keep it. She was clearly not comfortable with the idea of some stranger buzzing around stealing body parts while she slept. She was totally clingy and kept asking things like, "What if she takes my music box instead?" and the like. So this morning she woke to two shiny quarters (yeah, we'll see how long that lasts as an appeasement) and declared, "The tooth fairy is nice!" Yep. She's convinced one coin was for her tooth, and the other was because her writing was so good. This is the note she left.


But the rest of the trip was just as good, though I'm totally bummed. I got some gorgeous pictures, you can't appreciate them unless you live here on a sunny fall day and just get dropped by how beautiful the outside is. But I had my white balance set for the pernicious fluorescents in my classroom and now all my pictures have a blue tinge. Dang it!

It was a great day though. This is the top down view of the squealy group hug of three best friends who haven't seen each other for a while:



They took some time with all the attractions first; photo ops, the jesus train, bouncy house, tormenting animals,




Then we got down to the serious business of picking a pumpkin.

Tell me these chicks don't look like the opening act of the Scottish Play. Toil and trouble indeed.After the patch shenanigans, we went on to apple picking (some legal, some not) and corn maze drama then had lunch and called it a day. Whew! Thank heaven we have a whole year to gear up for going again.

This is my point

Trueby was telling me about the firedrill they had Friday, and how much she hates them because they are so loud.

Me: Fire alarms are to help you, cutie. They help you be safe. They have to be loud so everyone hears them. What if someone didn't hear it and got on fire?

Her: Well, that would be ok. I would just "Stop, Drop and Roll."

Me: Yeah, but I think it's best to not catch on fire at all.

Her: God would be sad if I was on fire. He's real, he died on the cross.

Me: Oh, christ.

Messy head

So today we had what has to have been the worst playdate in recorded history. We met with Trueby's friend and one of her friends at the park to get the two girls together after much too long apart. They met at daycare and have been each other's yin and yang for as long either of them can remember. I know being apart from the friend she has spent every single weekday with for half of her little life has been tough on the girl. She was so completely overwrought that she cried the entire time! Ok, there were breaks where, after wailing on my lap, she would recover enough to go back at it, but within seconds something would set her off again.
I know it sounds bratty, but it broke my heart all to pieces, and here's why. She is really having a tough time adjusting to kindergarten. As a chick who needs feel anchored and familiar and in control of a situation, she is navigating this entirely alien environment and doing it completely alone. Rules she didn't know existed are governing her days, people she doesn't know at all make up her company, choices are made by those people that quite frankly are freaking her out. We all know how public school is distressingly full of the public. The sheltered CDC world that prepared her so well to be a beautiful human being, didn't prepare her at all for interacting with others who haven't had the same training. She knows "tattling" is a sin, and so doesn't know what to do when she is unable to solve a problem on her own. As one of 21 cogs in the room, my silent observer is completely over run. She enjoys her after-school program more, but even then she is having trouble finding her place. I just about cried in front of her when she showed me a huge divot she had taken out of her tongue when she and another girl collided and she bit down on herself. There was an honest to god tooth shaped hole in her tongue and it was swollen and making it really uncomfortable when it kept bumping on her teeth. I asked her if the workers had given her an ice cube to suck on and she said they didn't know it happened. I asked her, "Didn't you cry?" and she said, "No, I just sat down and was really sad." Oh my word.



So anyway, the playdate. I think she was so over-emotional to be back with her friend, safe and familiar, that she just couldn't get control of herself. She cried and cried and cried. When she would go play, I talked with my friend about her and just blubbered myself. I am so fortunate to have such an understanding and compassionate friend who listened and agreed and supported, and never told me I was over-coddling (though I know I am), or had to let her find her own way (though I know I do) or that I was over-reacting (hello...met me before?). After we left we came home and had dinner then all three of us curled up in front of the TV to watch a movie together. I just hope letting her know that her world outside of school is as strong and consistent as ever, that she is as strong as ever, will help speed the transition through this icky period. And I know it's a transition, she will eventually make good friends and become the loudmouth kid her teacher wishes would just shut it. I know that. But right now she is just breaking my heart.

We have Lift Off!

How can it be true already? She's a kindergartner! Officially! She's off on the journey. And what a great first step. She got to have both mom and dad bring her in on her first day wearing the dress she picked out in July. All the parents were milling around, the kids found cubbies and name tags,

putting away school supplies

and finding an activity to play

We watched them have first meeting on the rug...rules rules rules! I had a constant stream running through my mind..."Thank you god for delivering me from this...thank you god for delivering me from this..." Fifth grade is HEAVEN!!

When they went back to tables, dad and I snuck out. She was weepy and a little hysterical laughter crept in, but she bucked up and took it like a champ! I am so proud of my girl!
Where did this chick go?
I know everyone is probably sick to death of me obessing about this, but I am so betwittered about what a big step this is. I think having taught five kindergarten classes made me a little shlubby to the whole idea. Those kids are so much more ready for the world than my girl. Which is 100% untrue. To her teacher, Trueby is just another one of those school kids. And probably more ready than most. She's been doing this for a while, and the CDC ~ may they receive all the good karma they have coming to them ~ have done a fantastic job preparing her for it. But I feel like it was only a few months ago I was trapped on the couch all day because she fell asleep nursing and would wake up when I moved. It is a crystal clear memory of how blissful I was when she started falling asleep in the swing, for hours! I could move around the house after what seemed like eternity of motionlessness! First steps, first words, first so many things! And now, first day on the road that will be the most important factor in her life for the next 13 years at least. It will dictate what our family does, where and when we go, what we eat, what we think, who we know...It's amazing. I'm just hoping we've given her all the tools she's going to need to deal with all the stuff that's coming at her. I want her to remember how smart, funny, kind, generous, caring, beautiful, unique, and spectacular in every way she is. I want her to be learning how to move mountains, not learn that mountains block her path. I want her to discover how many differences there are in the world, not that everyone is different from her. I want her to become Superwoman, not find out she's just a girl. So that's what I'm working on. What did you do today?